


Say It Like You Mean It

by ByTheAngell (SomeLittleInfamy)



Series: Tumblr Prompts [40]
Category: Shadowhunters (TV)
Genre: Hopeful Ending, M/M, POV Alec Lightwood, TW: suicidal thoughts, but heavy discussion at the start
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-04-07
Updated: 2019-04-07
Packaged: 2020-01-06 12:46:52
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,435
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18388727
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/SomeLittleInfamy/pseuds/ByTheAngell
Summary: It’s done. Lorenzo took Magnus’ magic back and left, Catarina performed a final evaluation, and physically speaking his boyfriend is in the clear. It’s what he wanted. Alec should be relieved…Except he isn’t. He can’t possibly be, not after what Magnus said earlier.





	Say It Like You Mean It

**Author's Note:**

> Prompt: "Magnus said maybe he’d rather die with magic then live with Alec like a mundane, and I feel like that must have stunt at least a little? Idk. I get why he’s proposing, but at the same time that bit made me really sad, so could you write them talking it out?"

It’s done. Lorenzo took Magnus’ magic back and left, Catarina performed a final evaluation, and physically speaking his boyfriend is in the clear. It’s what he wanted. Alec should be relieved…

Except he isn’t. He can’t possibly be, not after what Magnus said earlier.

There wasn’t time to talk about it then. Lorenzo wasn’t going to stick around forever and time was of the essence. It was all Alec could do to speak his heart, to bare his soul to Magnus in one desperate attempt to change his mind. It was enough in the moment, but with that moment came and went, and now he has to face the present.

And the present is Magnus, still barely able to make eye contact with him, mumbling something about going back to Alec’s room for the day. Alec almost lets him walk away this time but he can’t bring himself to let this go; if he doesn’t say something now it’s just going to eat away at him all day if he attempts to go back to work. It hurts to consider the fact that he might not be enough for Magnus right now… maybe not ever. But he has to know that he’s alright either way.

“We should talk,” he says, pausing Magnus mid-step. “About what you said earlier.”

Magnus turns around, a smile on his face that doesn’t quite reach his eyes despite the fact that he’s clearly trying _very hard_ to make it convincing. All that does is send up more red flags in Alec’s mind. “We really don’t have to. I’m sorry I said that, I never should’ve-” Magnus shakes his head. “I didn’t mean it.”

At face value it sounds convincing. And if Alec hadn’t been the one standing there when Magnus said it, he might believe this dismissal. But he _was_ there and he _did_ hear the pain in his boyfriend’s voice during the admission. He might’ve thought better of it since then but he meant it in the moment.

“You did,” Alec argues. “Please don’t lie to me about this. It’s too important. Some part of you would rather die than live without magic, and now…” the words catch in his throat. “Now you don’t have it again. And it’s because of me _again_. You wouldn’t have given it back if I didn’t ask you to and I don’t want you to- I dunno, to regret it and do something stupid over it.”

“You mean stupid like going to my rival to beg for a magical transfusion that might kill me again?” Magnus asks, voice carefully emotionless. “Or stupid like decide I really _don’t_ want to be alive without my magic?”

Alec pales considerably at the thought. “Magnus-”

“I’m not going to kill myself, if that’s what you’re worried about… but you’re right. I did only agree to give the magic back because of what you said to me. I knew what it was doing to me each time I used it, I could feel it getting worse. I just didn’t care because... because it was the most alive I felt since I returned from Edom.”

“I just need you to talk to me. I can’t help you - I can’t be there for you - if I don’t know what’s going on.” Alec blames himself for missing the signs earlier, but he knows that some of that fault falls on Magnus for hiding it as well as he did. If Magnus just talked to him from the start…   

“How? How am I supposed to stand there and admit to you that I’d rather die pretending I’m still  half the warlock I once was than live the rest of my years as a shell of my former self?” Magnus sounds the same as he did before - broken and hopeless. He’s not trying to hide the despair he feels now and even though it’s what Alec wants that doesn’t make it hurt any less to hear.

“Just like that,” Alec says. “I know it’s not the same but I’ve been there, too. And you were there for me. You checked in on me even when I didn’t want you to. You pushed me to talk when I just wanted to be left alone with my pain. And that--” Alec looks away for a second, swallowing hard, but forces his gaze back up to meet Magnus’. “- _you_ , are a large part of why I’m still here today.”

He’s never said it out loud quite so plainly before. He likes to think it shows in the moments he finds himself drifting into old habits only for Magnus to catch on and pull him back, but the truth is if Magnus hadn’t shown up at his wedding and inserted himself into his life at that moment, and every pivotal moment thereafter, Alec isn’t sure where he’d be right now. Or even _if_ he’d be. After Jocelyn, after everything went wrong with the soul sword… it’s always been Magnus, time and time again, telling him not to push him away.

Now it’s Alec’s turn to repay the favor.

“I’m not that man anymore. I can’t be,” Magnus says finally, voice quiet.

“Then don’t be. I love you, Magnus. Any version of you - High Warlock, or not. Magic, or not. Makeup, or not. I’m here for you - _this you_ , whoever that ends up being - no matter what.”  Alec crosses the space between them, reaching out to take Magnus’ hands in his own.

Magnus drops his eyes down to their hands, turning his over to squeeze Alec’s, to ground himself in Alec’s words and this moment. “You say that now. But-”

“I’ll say it now, and next week, and next year, and every year after that.” He doesn’t come out and say it, the thought that’s been lingering in the back of his mind lately, but the implications are there. Alec is in this for the long haul. Magnus, if he’ll have him, is Alec’s forever. He knows it’s too early to say it but he needs Magnus to know now more than ever. “Because it’s _you_ that makes me happy. And I like to think I make you happy, too. So even though things are different now, and this isn’t what either of us expected, we can keep… you know, making each other happy.”

Magnus looks surprised at how adamantly Alec cuts him off with the declaration. Alec refuses to break eye contact - he can see how much Magnus wants to believe what he’s saying, even if he can’t bring himself to just yet. Alec doesn’t want him to have the slightest reason to doubt his words.

“You mean that, don’t you?” Magnus asks. It seems absurd to ask, to imagine at this point that Alec would lie about something like this just to make him feel better, but he’s willing to give Magnus all the reassurances he needs and does his best not to take it personally that his boyfriend still doubts his best intentions.

Alec nods. “Of course I do.”

There’s a silence that falls then during which Alec wonders if perhaps he said too much, took things a little _too far_ , far enough to scare Magnus off instead of draw him back in. He only eases when Magnus finally speaks again.   
  
“Alright, then.”

“Alright?” Alec isn’t sure what ‘alright’ means in this scenario, the one where a moment ago Magnus was explaining exactly why he didn’t see his life worth living anymore outside of not wanting the guilt of Alec losing him.

“Perhaps I was too focused on the negatives to allow myself to consider the possibility of this new reality still having a happy ending.” Magnus smiles a bit at the word ‘happy’, a gentle poke at Alec’s own rambling, repetitive word choice. “I suppose I owe it that much.” He pauses. “I certainly owe _you_ that much.”

“You don’t owe me anything,” Alec sighs the words out, allowing himself the smallest smile of relief. It isn’t perfect but it’s a start.

He wishes Magnus could see what he sees when he looks at him. The life, the potential, the strength and kindness… the things that make Magnus _Magnus._ The things that make Alec love him more and more every day, even now. _Especially_ now. And when he starts to wonder just what he can do to convince him of that love, of that worth, his mind keeps coming back to one thought in particular.

Soon enough Alec is going to make certain that Magnus has no reason to doubt that he meant every last word he said about being there for him. Forever.  

**Author's Note:**

> (Find me on [Tumblr](http://bytheangell.tumblr.com) and also on [Twitter](http://www.twitter.com/By_The_Angell) while we all hang out waiting for someone to #SaveShadowhunters ! <3)


End file.
